Whisky Writes

it s been agesWhisky Portrait
since master gave me
any of what used to be
my favourite snack
hose pipe connectors
now he has bought me
a whole tub of something
even more delicious
i found it by
the washing machine

Basket of clothespegs

hose pipe connectors are green
which i think means they re
frog flavoured
not that they taste like
real frog to me
probably made with
artifical frog flavouring
essence de grenouille

these new snacks come
in all sorts of flavours
here are some i chewed earlier

Whisky-chewed clothes pegs

irresistibly good


a few days ago
master had opened the door
slightly to let me go out
something distracted me
and i turned my head
and hit my head hard
on the metal shoe cabinet
by the door
master wasn t sympathetic
he said i should be more careful
to preserve
what little brains i have
it made a loud bang
at the time
one of master s friends
was peeing in the downstairs toilet
he was startled
and peed all over his leg
i thought that was very funny
because i often do that
you see
it s very difficult
to pee straight
when you re standing on three legs
with one leg cocked in the air
to be honest
i have absolutely no idea
how master manages to pee
without spraying everywhere
standing on just two legs




Accidents Will Happen

[Uzi submachine gun]According to the newspapers this morning, a Thai senator has “accidentally” killed his secretary. It seems that the two of them were having dinner in a restaurant. Whilst they were waiting for food the senator’s 9 mm Uzi submachine gun capable of firing 600 rounds per minute “accidentally” went off, shooting his secretary in the stomach. She died shortly afterwards.

What sort of person takes a loaded submachine gun to a restaurant? For that matter, what sort of private individual even owns a submachine gun?

Fortunately for the senator, he has parliamentary privilege, so won’t be arrested for his “accident”.


Olympic News

I can’t say that I’m particularly interested in the bloated sportsday that’s known as the Olympics, though I did see a few bits of the opening ceremony. Danny Boyle was undoubtedly the right man to create the spectacle – after all, his most famous movie, Trainspotting, shared the same theme as the Olympics: tracksuit-clad young adults pumped full of illegal drugs.

I did stumble across a comment that Britain had won 12 gold medals to date on a blog I follow. Apparently, this was rather unexpected at this stage of the jamboree. I therefore thought it would be interesting to compare Britain’s medal count with countries of similar population sizes. The following table shows the current medal tallies for Britain and the three immediately larger and smaller countries.

Country Population Gold Medals Silver Medals Bronze Medals Total Medals
Democratic Republic of the Congo 69,575,000 0 0 0 0
Thailand 65.479.453 0 1 0 1
France 65,350,000 8 8 9 25
Great Britain   62,262,000 16 11 10 37 
Italy 60,813,326 6 5 3 14
South Africa 50,586,757 3 1 0 4
Myanmar 48,724,000 0 0 0 0

So, they you have it: Britain has won significantly more medals than any other country of similar size – conclusive evidence that far too much money is being wasted on sport in the UK in the pursuit of meaningless gewgaws. What a national disgrace! And particularly so in these difficult economic times.

Whilst I rarely agree with the policies of the UK Conservative party, it is at least gratifying that they are designed to combat the harm that sport is doing to the country – policies such as selling off school playing fields to developers and closing down local sports facilities and swimming pools. In time these policies will have the positive effect of reducing wasteful expenditure on sports in the UK, and will also have the added benefit, one hopes, of putting out of work the psychopathic bullies who work in so many schools in the UK under the label “sports master”.


Rice Redux

For more than 50 years Thailand has been the world’s largest rice exporter. Now, thanks to the populist policies of Thaksin’s puppet government, it’s lost that position. That title now belongs to India, and by year end Vietnam’s rice exports will almost certainly have surpassed Thailand’s too.

It’s not difficult to understand why this has happened. Thai rice, thanks to the government’s rice mortgage scheme – a scheme designed to enrich the middlemen in the trade, not the farmers – costs as much as $170/tonne more than rice from competitor countries. Consequently exports have fallen almost 50% since last year, and the government now has 12 million tonnes of mortgaged rice in storage, progressively losing its taste, texture and value. The cost of this follow so far: 260 billion Baht (that’s 8.2 billion Yankee Dollars, or 5.3 billion Great British Pounds).

So, this is the cost of populist politics and politicians.


Police & Cons

In Thailand there are plenty of policemen who share a rather-too-close relationship with those they should be locking up. Indeed, there are plenty of policemen who should be locked up themselves for their manifold crimes, ranging from taking bribes to let motorists off for minor traffic law infringements (which is rampant in Thailand) to running brothels and casinos (both of which are apparently illegal in Thailand). The situation rather reminds me of the final line of Animal Farm:

“The creatures outside looked from pig to man, and from man to pig, and from pig to man again; but already it was impossible to say which was which.”

It was a bit of a shocker, though, to learn that the National Police Chief, Priewpan Damapong, recently made a trip to Hong Kong to have a chin-wag with Thailand’s most famous convicted criminal and fugitive from justice, Thaksin Shinawatra, who just happens to be his brother-in-law (or rather, ex-brother-in-law because Thaksin and his wife technically divorced to prevent her assets being seized for his criminality).

Rent-a-mouth deputy Prime Minister Chalerm couldn’t see anything with the country’s top policeman hobnobbing with a convicted felon, replying “Why was it inappropriate?” when questioned by reporters.

However, for the rest of us, the only question that remains is whether Priewpan’s actions broke the law, or were simply an ethical breach of staggering proportions?


No News from Laos

It appears that the young son of a British MP was arrested in Laos recently on drugs charges. For some inexplicable reason this story was totally ignored by every single newspaper in Britain. Surely not another superinjunction to protect the reputation of a member of parliament and their family?

My failure to find out who the MP concerned is gives me a bit of a stumper. Should I be commenting on the hypocrisy of the Conservative party – the so-called party of “family values”? Or should I be talking about the Labour party’s moral degeneracy? Or should I bemoan the abject failings of a Liberal upbringing? Answers on a postcard, please.



It appears that Whisky wasn’t paying attention during poise and deportment class.

Whisky's deportment


Military Intelligence

It’s well known that war is all about old men (or, as in the case of Mrs. Thatcher, old women) sending young men to die. And sometimes in war many young men – too many – die pointlessly because of the crass ineptitude of their leaders. However, even in peacetime that leadership can result in meaningless deaths.

Back in February 2010 I wrote about the GT200 bomb scanners that the army had purchased. They didn’t work at all. They were just a meaningless box of wires which performed no function whatsoever. If the salesman had claimed “nothing is better than the GT200” he’d have been right. Then the news about the devices dried up. I’d assumed that the GT200s had quietly been taken out of use. How wrong I was. The matter has recently resurfaced because of an investigation into the purchasing of the devices. (And it’s almost certainly not a matter of whether there was corruption involved or not, but rather the extent of the corruption.) The devices are still in use. Supreme Commander Thanasak Patimaprakorn is reported as saying recently

“[I] have seen the effectiveness of GT200 detectors in finding explosives.”

The Defence Minister, Sukumpol Suwanatat, backs him up

“The GT200 bomb detectors, which are used in the far South, do work and they have detected explosives many times.”

Of course, this is utter nonsense. As the Bangkok Post put it

“It is easy to understand why the military would be reluctant to give up the device. It is lightweight, very portable and it can be used from a distance, allowing the user to stay out of range of dangerous explosives. The only problem, of course, is that it doesn’t work.“

And so more young men are going to be senselessly blown to bits by the terrorists in the South because the old men in charge are either too stupid to understand the irrefutable evidence that the devices are completely useless, or have something to hide.


Whisky Writes

there was something rather strangeWhisky Portrait
when i dragged master yesterday evening
i saw there was a frog
in the middle of the road
it looked like it was dead
of course i had to check it out
master was obviously afraid
and tried to drag me away from it
but i needed to be absolutely sure
it wasn t alive
frogs can be very devious you know
playing dead and all that
the strange thing was
that it was squashed flat
another strange thing was
it was outside the house with
too many pomeranians
though to be honest
even one pomeranian is too many
i m absolutely certain
that no pomeranian
has the finely honed skills
to be a frog killer
though possibly their incessant yapping
could send one deaf
it remains a mystery to me


master thinks he s quite clever
but there are a lot of things
he doesn t understand
for example he doesn t understand
why when he comes home
i have to pick up one of his sandals
run around a bit
and then drop it

and he doesn t understand why
i like to nose my way
through his laundry basket
and pick out a sock
which i ll carry around for a bit
in my mouth

he also doesn t understand why
i like to lick the chrome legs of his desk

he s also clueless as to why
i like to pick up one of his sandals
in my jaw
shake it vigorously for a few seconds
then toss it away

then he has no idea why
i like to grab sponges
from the kitchen worktop
or from the bucket
as he washes the car
and chew them to bits

he s also in the dark about why
i like to chew the wallpaper
off the wall

and he doesn t know why
i like to lick soap bubbles

and he doesn t know why
i love to chew hosepipe connectors

silly master

totally clueless


SFO: Not So Pusillanimous?

The Serious Fraud Office has (for the first time ever) had a change of heart and reopened its investigation into the Weavering Capital hedge fund fraud. This comes after a private court case against the odious Peterson and his band of thieving and/or incompetent allies in crime was concluded. The judge in her high court ruling shed a little light on what actually happened at Weavering:

The hedge fund was launched in 2003. Within less than three weeks it had lost almost 20% of its value. The following month Peterson entered into two OTC option transactions with another fund based in the Virgin Islands which he controlled, and backdated them to the previous month so that the fund appeared to have gained in value during the first month of trading. In other words, right from the outset Peterson chose to defraud investors.

During 2004 Peterson used the same deceit 13 times to cover monthly losses.

From 2005 switched to using swaps, rather than options, but basically continued the same fraud.

In 2009 the fund contained:

  • some worthless bonds
  • $40 million (net) options positions
  • $600 million swaps with Peterson’s company

This portfolio doesn’t really match the fund’s original prospectus which claimed the fund:

  • would construct a portfolio so as “to ensure a balanced and diversified risk profile”.
  • would maintain a “rigorous” and “pro-active” approach to risk management “[i]n order to meet its commitment to capital appreciation”.
  • would endeavour to adhere to investment restrictions, such that “no more than 20% of the value of the Gross Assets of the Company…is exposed to the creditworthiness or solvency of any one counterparty”.
  • adhered to the principle of diversification in the use of derivatives.

Lies, all lies. And there were more lies:

“The majority of the securities we trade are exchange traded, therefore valuation is very simple – LIFFE valuations are taken…”,

“There is currently one fund managed by the firm”,

“Portfolio concentration in terms of amount of instruments and exposure bias…: All positions are expressed through futures and options. N/A”,

“List the instrument types you use by percentage: Options: 75%/Futures: 25%”,

“We could liquidate our portfolio within 1 day; due to our option protection we would protect the overall portfolio within the predefined max loss limits [predefined as 5%]”,

“As all our investments are exchange traded we never have any pricing discrepancies”,

“Please describe any current or potential conflict of interest, any relationships which may affect trading, trading flexibility, e.g. associated broker/dealer: N/A”,

“Are investors informed when minor/major changes are made to the trading, money management, or risk control methods? Yes.”

The judge described Peterson as “… not at all arrogant in manner but his whole attitude to investment was an arrogant one.” With this arrogance he didn’t try to conceal that the transactions were with a related company which also had “Weavering” in its name. He also chose very reputable companies to audit his work. He also didn’t profit from the fraud; he didn’t take any money out of the Virgin Island company. The judge concluded “[the fraud] … been committed out of a sense of invincibility, self-belief, and a gambler’s mentality.”

There’s a lot more detail in the judge’s judgment at:


As for the SFO, do I now consider them to be any less pusillanimous cowards? Absolutely not. I (and others) firmly believe that the only reason they’ve reopened their investigation is that if they hadn’t they’d have been taken to court by the administrators.