Whisky Writes

i m beginning to think that my masterWhisky Portrait
really isn t very good at his job
for example
when i exercise him in the garden
by madly running around
he gets tired very quickly
he s also very easily damaged
in fact
because of all my nipping and scratching
he looks as if he could play
the lead role in the sequel to
the passion of christ

last weekend he took me to get a shower
i really didn t enjoy the experience at all
it started badly with a lady
putting a muzzle on me
i thought one of the pleasures
of going to a beauty salon was
to chat with the person washing your hair
it got worse after that
i mean i ve spent days
rolling around in the dirt
trying to smell good for the ladies
and now i smell like cheap perfume
and they didn t let me shake the water off
like a proper dog
no i had to be blow dried
the noise from the machine was terrible
my master thought i was trembling out of terror
no it was out of rage and indignation honestly
i don t think i ll be going back there again

i ve decided that im going to sleep downstairs
in my crate
i just couldn t abide my master s snoring
how was i supposed to think
with that racket going on
as i padded around the bedroom
in the middle of the night
looking for something nice to chew
i made sure i woke him up
when the noise got too bad
i m sure that snoring can t be good for you
so i was doing him a favour

i really love my master
but sometimes he can be so ungrateful
a couple of days ago i found
this really nice dead plant
in the garden
so i pulled it from the ground roots and all
and brought it inside to give to him as a present
it left a pretty trail of dirt
all across the sitting room floor
and there was still some dirt left
for when i dragged it up onto the sofa
now i know im not usually allowed on the sofa
but this was a special occasion
i was giving my master a beautiful weed
i don t think my master appreciated my gift
he threw it out and swept up all the soil
he even washed the sofa cushion covers
what an ingrate

anyway it s been five minutes
since my last snooze and all this
one pawed typing is tiring
so i m off for a nice long lie down

whisky

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